The Nature of Dust
by vox.ex
Summary: The story of how three separate promises each lead up to the moment Kara is supposed to die in the coming Crisis and why one last promise might just be enough to save her.


A/N: So this has been sitting somewhere in my head for a while but here goes nothing. This will kind of be a mix of comic canon and what would have wanted from season 5. The whole first-person narration is new to me too so try and stick with me as I learn, but I wanted to give it a try because it needs to be that way to make the little time jump interludes and ending work (as long as I don't fuck them up).

* * *

There will always be a weight that is never really gone, a guilt that is never really abandoned, a promise that is never really forgotten.

I have carried it across the stars, have kept it like a ghost.

But this will be the first time I have to wonder what will be left of me.

What things will be left for those that I love to hold onto, to carry, to bury?

I will try to find a home for the ghosts I do not want them to inherit. I will try to take them with me if I can, cast them into Rao's light if I cannot.

Not long from now I will find myself thinking of my Mother's arms and my Father's last words. I will remember the promise they asked me to keep. How I am still trying to keep it. I will remember the lie they told me when they said that everything would be okay. I will remember the years I spent hating them for it, trying to forgive them for it. But I will think that I finally understand it. Because I will say the same thing. Tell the same lie. And I will hate myself for it, have to find a way to forgive myself for it.

But that is how this ends, not how it begins.

It begins with a promise, not a lie.

I had just told Lena the truth. Had stood on her balcony with my heart on my sleeve and her own held back carefully in a way I could not blame her for and I promised her no more secrets. At that moment, I was already trying to figure out a way to tell her that I love her, but she didn't know it yet.

I wish that this was about that instead. That there was a version of this story where the night ends, and I go home to an empty apartment, think of all the ways to prove to her I love her. But I'll never get that chance. We'll never have that story.

Because I didn't come home to an empty apartment.

* * *

Barry and Iris are waiting in the hallway outside of my apartment. I haven't seen them in a year, and I know how long that can be, how much can happen. But for all that time and all those things, it doesn't take more than one look at Barry's eyes, more than one second of hesitation in his voice for me to know that what he is about to tell me will change everything. I let them in with gentle greetings but let my arms hold Barry a little tighter, knowing somehow that he needs it — feeling that I need it too. I step inside behind them, watching Iris as she looks around the room, only then remembering that she's never been here before. And it pulls at something in me, reminds me of Lena in a way, as I see her try to put together the pieces of both Supergirl and Kara Danvers in her mind.

I pull glasses from the cabinets, filling them each with water, and it's the first time in a long time I have to think about not breaking them. I try to steady my hands on the counter for a second, but it too feels so fragile and so I let my hands fall to my side, letting them open and close in time with my heartbeat a couple of times until I feel in control of them once more. I slowly pick up the glasses again.

We end up sitting across from each other. Me waiting, and neither of them quite sure how to start.

In the end, it's Barry who goes first.

"I'm sorry just to come by like this Kara"

There is a tiredness in his words that I recognize as all too familiar. That speaks of too much time already lost and of even less left.

"Not at all; it's been too long."

And it has, but selfishly I find myself wishing for more time, that of all days the universe could have spared me this one. But then I find myself going back to that conversation on Eliza's porch, to the things I will always have to walk away from. I just didn't think it would have to be today, that it would have to be so soon.

Barry shifts in his seat, and Iris reaches out to hold his hand.

I run my hand up and down my thigh, focusing on the motion and the pressure.

"The Monitor came back to our Earth. He told us that a Crisis is coming, that our world will fight for the fate of all the known universes. He said that the events are already in motion."

My eyes close briefly, willing away the memories of Krypton. I look down at where their hands held together, at how hard Iris is trying to hold on —I know there's more.

"What else?"

Barry shakes his head; his disbelief masked as acceptance.

"For billions to survive, the Flash must die."

My hand stops. Grips tightly into a fist instead.

"I went to Earth-3, a friend there, he helped me project my mind past the day it's supposed to happen. I saw billions of possible timelines, but...but, the only timeline where everyone survives was the one where I died."

And I don't need to ask how he knows it's the truth. I can imagine that's the first thing everyone else has. But I know something they don't. I know what's it's like to watch a world die, to watch the people you love die. To see everything that's ever existed wiped from the stars. I know what that kind of loss does to you, and I can see it now in Barry's eyes that he does too.

I think back to my parents. I think of them sitting up at night and deciding to send me away, to keep me safe. I think of them knowing of Krypton's end and being unable to stop it. I think of all the things they must have tried, all the things that must have failed. I think of them waiting until the end to accept any of it. And I think of Kal and me and my mother. I think of Argo. I think how, of all the billions they tried to save, we are all that are left.

I reach across the table, my hand resting on Barry's knee.

And maybe I should think of what it means to say what I say next before I do. But all I can think about is how I would do anything to make sure no else ever has to know what that feels like.

"I'll help you stop this... I promise."

* * *

I didn't know it then, but that promise is the last one I make that I intend to keep.

There is a point after that at which all the others will become lies.

Not because I want them to be, but because they have to be.

I will lie to the people I love to keep this one promise.

Because if they knew what it will take to keep it, they would try to stop me. And once I know what it means to keep it, I won't let them.

And I will often wonder if I had made my promise to Barry first would I still have been able to promise Lena the things I did that night, would I still have thought of all the ways I could show her I love her?

Because eventually, I will lie to her again. I will watch her hate me. I will have to walk away from her after I ask her to believe me one last time and not know if she does. And I will think that maybe it would have been better if I had just let her go all those nights ago instead of trying to hold onto her.

But like I said, there is a version of this story where the night ends, and I go home to an empty apartment.

And maybe I choose will hold onto that ending instead.

Maybe the last lie I tell will be to myself.

But like I said, that is how this ends, not how it begins.

It begins with a promise, not a lie.

* * *

A/N:So that's the start. Yes? No? Quit now? Keep going? Let me know in that little box below or come yell at me on Tumblr vox-ex. As always thanks for reading, comments are always welcome and much appreciated. I haven't written a longer fic (for me at least) in a while but my plan right now is to make this a full story as long as you guys think it's worth reading.


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